horoscopes 2021 - 2022
march 13, 2023horoscopes
*the following are satirical horoscopes written for entertainment purposes*
Week of 9/7/22:
Cancer: Watch out for potholes! Especially the one outside of the Village Offices, I’ve heard it’s taken out at least one art student this week, so beware!
Virgo: It's finally your season Virgo! Maybe things won’t totally suck for you this week! Maybe your roommate will fall in a pothole and sprain her ankle instead of you! Or not! Who knows! Let's see what the week brings!
Sagittarius: Okay so. What's the best flavor of Coca-Cola? Coke Zero? Cherry Coke? Starlight Coke? Let me know your unpopular Coca-Cola opinions on the Montclarion Instagram. Just DM us, I’m sure whoever runs the account will understand it.
Capricorn: Don’t eat the school sushi. I don’t care if it doesn’t exist on campus anymore. Do NOT RISK IT.
Pisces: Make sure you take off your non-waterproof mascara this week before you take a shower. I don’t want to be responsible if you end up naked and afraid looking like Robert Pattinson’s Batman with one shaved leg because I didn’t warn you!
Week of 9/14/22:
Taurus: Sorry y'all lost one of your own this week. I’m sure if she was still with us Queen Elizabeth II would be reading her Montclarion Horoscope, as she did every week. Wherever she is now I’m sure she’s watching me write these, hell, maybe she’ll even show Ronald Reagan his!
Virgo: Listen, I know your roommates hate when you play Phoebe Bridgers when you cook dinner but don’t listen to them. It’s your season, cry into your gnocchi if you want to; that's your choice, who cares if it's a little unsanitary.
Scorpio: Scorpio, this week will bring you great riches; but be careful what you spend it on. Close that tab with the Telfar bag you’ve been eyeing and order a 6ft long stuffed rainbow trout on Amazon! It’ll bring you more joy to lay on a giant fake fish than it would to be completely dripped out.
Aquarius: Have you ever taken a minute to think to yourself, maybe I’m the problem? If not, this week is a good week for some self reflection. Look into your $2 funhouse mirror from Target and think about every bad decision you’ve ever made.
Week of 9/21/22:
Taurus: Congratulations to the leader of the Taurus', Trisha Paytas, who gave birth to their first child, Malibu Barbie Paytas-Harmon, this past week. May the light of Trisha shine upon you all this week.
Cancer: Become one with nature this week; go sit on the edge of a pond, dangle your toes above the water and pray a duck doesn’t take a bite out of them.
Virgo: Virgo season is almost over, friends. Start manifesting something good this week – or else Malibu Barbie Paytas will absorb all of the virgo power and become unstoppable, and we absolutely cannot have that just yet.
Week of 9/28/22:
Gemini: Please stop drinking the water straight out of the tap in your dorm room. If it looks brown that does not mean they switched everyone’s water over to the world’s largest Coca-Cola reserve, it means you should probably go to a doctor.
Cancer: How many classes did you skip this week? Maybe you should spend less time browsingUrbanOutfitters.com and more time calling the people who care about you. They miss you.
Sagittarius: Have you ever considered that having a 6ft portrait of sheet-metal munching Jackie Kennedy in your room is not normal? Maybe we should switch it out for a better role model; like Gonzo from The Muppets, or even Britney Spears. Not my choice though, let me know what you think.
Week of 10/06/22:
Cancer: Let’s do some self reflection this week; if you have to keep defending your significant other's actions to every single one of your friends, maybe it's time to open up your listening ears and hear them out a little bit!
Virgo: This week is a week for healing. Read Jennette McCurdy’s new book! Scream into a pillow! Build a life size ceramic sculpture of your head and throw it off of CarParc! Whatever you feel like doing this week, just do you! You deserve it.
Sagittarius: Put down the Peach Nectarine Redbull, drink some water, and take a nap. Please. Your internal organs cced us on their email to CAPS concerning your well being.
Week of 10/13/22:
Gemini: Some troll living under the Blanton Wind Tunnel told me to tell any Gemini I may encounter to stop spending all their flex dollars at Dunkin’; they’re never going to make your iced coffee right. Stop wasting your time!
Cancer: I hate to be the one to tell you this; but listening to ‘Bags’ by Clairo on repeat is NOT a substitute for human interaction! Go outside and text your friends to see if they want to go get a baked good somewhere, they miss you.
Virgo: I know you keep seeing happy couples posting pumpkin picking pics on instagram, and that it's making you want to vomit; but it's okay! The pictures of you in your extremely niche comic-con outfit are giving them the same feeling.
Sagittarius: Horoscope Not Found: Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Week of 9/7/22:
Cancer: Watch out for potholes! Especially the one outside of the Village Offices, I’ve heard it’s taken out at least one art student this week, so beware!
Virgo: It's finally your season Virgo! Maybe things won’t totally suck for you this week! Maybe your roommate will fall in a pothole and sprain her ankle instead of you! Or not! Who knows! Let's see what the week brings!
Sagittarius: Okay so. What's the best flavor of Coca-Cola? Coke Zero? Cherry Coke? Starlight Coke? Let me know your unpopular Coca-Cola opinions on the Montclarion Instagram. Just DM us, I’m sure whoever runs the account will understand it.
Capricorn: Don’t eat the school sushi. I don’t care if it doesn’t exist on campus anymore. Do NOT RISK IT.
Pisces: Make sure you take off your non-waterproof mascara this week before you take a shower. I don’t want to be responsible if you end up naked and afraid looking like Robert Pattinson’s Batman with one shaved leg because I didn’t warn you!
Week of 9/14/22:
Taurus: Sorry y'all lost one of your own this week. I’m sure if she was still with us Queen Elizabeth II would be reading her Montclarion Horoscope, as she did every week. Wherever she is now I’m sure she’s watching me write these, hell, maybe she’ll even show Ronald Reagan his!
Virgo: Listen, I know your roommates hate when you play Phoebe Bridgers when you cook dinner but don’t listen to them. It’s your season, cry into your gnocchi if you want to; that's your choice, who cares if it's a little unsanitary.
Scorpio: Scorpio, this week will bring you great riches; but be careful what you spend it on. Close that tab with the Telfar bag you’ve been eyeing and order a 6ft long stuffed rainbow trout on Amazon! It’ll bring you more joy to lay on a giant fake fish than it would to be completely dripped out.
Aquarius: Have you ever taken a minute to think to yourself, maybe I’m the problem? If not, this week is a good week for some self reflection. Look into your $2 funhouse mirror from Target and think about every bad decision you’ve ever made.
Week of 9/21/22:
Taurus: Congratulations to the leader of the Taurus', Trisha Paytas, who gave birth to their first child, Malibu Barbie Paytas-Harmon, this past week. May the light of Trisha shine upon you all this week.
Cancer: Become one with nature this week; go sit on the edge of a pond, dangle your toes above the water and pray a duck doesn’t take a bite out of them.
Virgo: Virgo season is almost over, friends. Start manifesting something good this week – or else Malibu Barbie Paytas will absorb all of the virgo power and become unstoppable, and we absolutely cannot have that just yet.
Week of 9/28/22:
Gemini: Please stop drinking the water straight out of the tap in your dorm room. If it looks brown that does not mean they switched everyone’s water over to the world’s largest Coca-Cola reserve, it means you should probably go to a doctor.
Cancer: How many classes did you skip this week? Maybe you should spend less time browsingUrbanOutfitters.com and more time calling the people who care about you. They miss you.
Sagittarius: Have you ever considered that having a 6ft portrait of sheet-metal munching Jackie Kennedy in your room is not normal? Maybe we should switch it out for a better role model; like Gonzo from The Muppets, or even Britney Spears. Not my choice though, let me know what you think.
Week of 10/06/22:
Cancer: Let’s do some self reflection this week; if you have to keep defending your significant other's actions to every single one of your friends, maybe it's time to open up your listening ears and hear them out a little bit!
Virgo: This week is a week for healing. Read Jennette McCurdy’s new book! Scream into a pillow! Build a life size ceramic sculpture of your head and throw it off of CarParc! Whatever you feel like doing this week, just do you! You deserve it.
Sagittarius: Put down the Peach Nectarine Redbull, drink some water, and take a nap. Please. Your internal organs cced us on their email to CAPS concerning your well being.
Week of 10/13/22:
Gemini: Some troll living under the Blanton Wind Tunnel told me to tell any Gemini I may encounter to stop spending all their flex dollars at Dunkin’; they’re never going to make your iced coffee right. Stop wasting your time!
Cancer: I hate to be the one to tell you this; but listening to ‘Bags’ by Clairo on repeat is NOT a substitute for human interaction! Go outside and text your friends to see if they want to go get a baked good somewhere, they miss you.
Virgo: I know you keep seeing happy couples posting pumpkin picking pics on instagram, and that it's making you want to vomit; but it's okay! The pictures of you in your extremely niche comic-con outfit are giving them the same feeling.
Sagittarius: Horoscope Not Found: Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Week of 10/19/22: HORROR-SCOPES
Virgo: This week, take a lesson from Jennifer Check’s book and be consistent! Steal your best friend’s toys! Pour Lemonade on their bed! Eat their boyfriend! Anyways, hope you all have the best week since, like, Jesus invented the calendar.
Libra: Listen, I know your older new boyfriend is a Libra Moon, and that says a lot about him; but maybe bringing him to meet your six closest friends at their parents' secluded house in the woods and play Bodies Bodies Bodies isn’t the best idea. If you don't want to heed my warning, just don’t try to make any tik-toks, or eat any of the cake in the house, or bring zucchini bread as a gift like a weirdo.
Capricorn: Have you ever had the urge to abandon your life in the real world and move to Colorado, this is the week to do it! Don’t be afraid to ignore every red flag your partner begins exhibiting upon arrival, the two little ghost girls in the hallway, and the REDRUM’s written on the door in lipstick. It’ll be fine!
Aquarius: Do you think it’s possible to make a good dirty movie? If so, grab an acoustic guitar, your significant other, two of your closest friends, and a couple of random college students, because we have work to do baby! Just make sure you pick up any loose nails lying around and that all pet alligators are fed prior to your arrival.
Week of 11/02/22:
Cancer: I know you’ve been on the search for the adult Happy Meal Grimace toy at McDonalds, but have you ever considered putting your money into things that matter? Like a savings account, or a life-size cardboard cutout of Christian Bale.
Scorpio: I need you to go to the Fairfield Target, go into isle C33 and pick yourself up a Lego Star Wars Advent Calendar. I know it's barely even November, but you can never be too early.
Week of 11/09/22:
Aries: Please, for the love of god, put the tiny Christmas hat you hand sewed for your roommate’s cat down. We’re barely two weeks into November, and if I hear the opening jingle from “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” one more time, I’m going to jingle all the way to the North Pole and stay there for the indefinite future.
Taurus: Please stop sending passive aggressive messages to your class GroupMe. I am assuring you that absolutely no one is going to answer you. Go take a walk! Pet a dog! Eat some chocolate! I don’t care what you do as long as it doesn’t involve your definition of appropriate communication with your peers.
Cancer: I know you just got new arm tattoos, but please put a jacket on. The heat wave lasted three days; you’re going to freeze to death if you keep pretending that it's not cold any longer. While we’re here though, now is a great time to dump your long-term boyfriend! Just saying.
Sagittarius: It's almost your season Sagittarius, make the most of the weeks leading up to your birthday by prepping for a holiday themed 5k; or do something fun! Like make five to seven pumpkin pies from scratch in your dorm and beg people to take them because you physically cannot eat any more pumpkin pie. Your choice!
Week of 11/16/22:
Gemini: Hey! Heard you got Taylor Swift Verified Presale yesterday! You did? And you got floor seats? Wow, that's so crazy! Better make sure to lock your door tonight! Jk. Maybe. Or maybe not. Stay vigilant.
Aquarius: This week, do not turn your Zoom camera on for your weekly meeting. Your supervisor will judge your kitchen and compare observing your cooking process to how it feels watching a live stream of an animal in a zoo.
Week of 11/30/22:
Taurus: Go see Mark Mylod’s The Menu & Luca Guadagnino’s Bones and All in theaters this week; then let me know how appetizing the Sam’s Place meat station looks to you.
Virgo: Life Hack: Next time your Professor mentions the final exam in class, scream “NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE” at the top of your lungs. I heard 95% of Professors cancel the exam within two hours of hearing this little ditty.
Week of 12/7/22:
Aries: If your roommate’s cat starts walking on its hind legs and talking to you in a thick russian accent this week, maybe it's time to go to bed! Put your laptop away, turn off the Christmas lights in the common area, and throw out the week old shrimp cocktail on your counter – rumor has it expired shrimp may cause hallucinations!
Libra: I know it wasn’t necessarily journalistic, but if you had a problem with our cover page headline last week, take it up with the air. A student who works at the Willowbrook Hot Topic said they loved it, and that’s all that matters to me.
Sagittarius: Before trying to construct any gingerbread houses this holiday season, consider this: Do you have an architectural degree? Are you prepared to deal with the guilt that will haunt you for the rest of your life if your sugary masterpiece topples in on itself and crushes its confectionary inhabitants? Do you care about life forms other than yourself? Just some food for thought.
Week of 12/14/22:
Scorpio: Scorpios, I am eternally grateful for you. I hope you all know, your fellow sign sister, SZA, released the best sophomore album of all time this past week. If you’re feeling low, remember that you are special and you are so right for being conceited. Hope your winter break is full of good days!
Virgo: This week, take a lesson from Jennifer Check’s book and be consistent! Steal your best friend’s toys! Pour Lemonade on their bed! Eat their boyfriend! Anyways, hope you all have the best week since, like, Jesus invented the calendar.
JENNIFER'S BODY
Libra: Listen, I know your older new boyfriend is a Libra Moon, and that says a lot about him; but maybe bringing him to meet your six closest friends at their parents' secluded house in the woods and play Bodies Bodies Bodies isn’t the best idea. If you don't want to heed my warning, just don’t try to make any tik-toks, or eat any of the cake in the house, or bring zucchini bread as a gift like a weirdo.
BODIES BODIES BODIES
Capricorn: Have you ever had the urge to abandon your life in the real world and move to Colorado, this is the week to do it! Don’t be afraid to ignore every red flag your partner begins exhibiting upon arrival, the two little ghost girls in the hallway, and the REDRUM’s written on the door in lipstick. It’ll be fine!
THE SHINING
Aquarius: Do you think it’s possible to make a good dirty movie? If so, grab an acoustic guitar, your significant other, two of your closest friends, and a couple of random college students, because we have work to do baby! Just make sure you pick up any loose nails lying around and that all pet alligators are fed prior to your arrival.
X
Week of 11/02/22:
Cancer: I know you’ve been on the search for the adult Happy Meal Grimace toy at McDonalds, but have you ever considered putting your money into things that matter? Like a savings account, or a life-size cardboard cutout of Christian Bale.
Scorpio: I need you to go to the Fairfield Target, go into isle C33 and pick yourself up a Lego Star Wars Advent Calendar. I know it's barely even November, but you can never be too early.
Week of 11/09/22:
Aries: Please, for the love of god, put the tiny Christmas hat you hand sewed for your roommate’s cat down. We’re barely two weeks into November, and if I hear the opening jingle from “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” one more time, I’m going to jingle all the way to the North Pole and stay there for the indefinite future.
Taurus: Please stop sending passive aggressive messages to your class GroupMe. I am assuring you that absolutely no one is going to answer you. Go take a walk! Pet a dog! Eat some chocolate! I don’t care what you do as long as it doesn’t involve your definition of appropriate communication with your peers.
Cancer: I know you just got new arm tattoos, but please put a jacket on. The heat wave lasted three days; you’re going to freeze to death if you keep pretending that it's not cold any longer. While we’re here though, now is a great time to dump your long-term boyfriend! Just saying.
Sagittarius: It's almost your season Sagittarius, make the most of the weeks leading up to your birthday by prepping for a holiday themed 5k; or do something fun! Like make five to seven pumpkin pies from scratch in your dorm and beg people to take them because you physically cannot eat any more pumpkin pie. Your choice!
Week of 11/16/22:
Gemini: Hey! Heard you got Taylor Swift Verified Presale yesterday! You did? And you got floor seats? Wow, that's so crazy! Better make sure to lock your door tonight! Jk. Maybe. Or maybe not. Stay vigilant.
Aquarius: This week, do not turn your Zoom camera on for your weekly meeting. Your supervisor will judge your kitchen and compare observing your cooking process to how it feels watching a live stream of an animal in a zoo.
Week of 11/30/22:
Taurus: Go see Mark Mylod’s The Menu & Luca Guadagnino’s Bones and All in theaters this week; then let me know how appetizing the Sam’s Place meat station looks to you.
Virgo: Life Hack: Next time your Professor mentions the final exam in class, scream “NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE” at the top of your lungs. I heard 95% of Professors cancel the exam within two hours of hearing this little ditty.
Week of 12/7/22:
Aries: If your roommate’s cat starts walking on its hind legs and talking to you in a thick russian accent this week, maybe it's time to go to bed! Put your laptop away, turn off the Christmas lights in the common area, and throw out the week old shrimp cocktail on your counter – rumor has it expired shrimp may cause hallucinations!
Libra: I know it wasn’t necessarily journalistic, but if you had a problem with our cover page headline last week, take it up with the air. A student who works at the Willowbrook Hot Topic said they loved it, and that’s all that matters to me.
Sagittarius: Before trying to construct any gingerbread houses this holiday season, consider this: Do you have an architectural degree? Are you prepared to deal with the guilt that will haunt you for the rest of your life if your sugary masterpiece topples in on itself and crushes its confectionary inhabitants? Do you care about life forms other than yourself? Just some food for thought.
Week of 12/14/22:
Scorpio: Scorpios, I am eternally grateful for you. I hope you all know, your fellow sign sister, SZA, released the best sophomore album of all time this past week. If you’re feeling low, remember that you are special and you are so right for being conceited. Hope your winter break is full of good days!